The Inaugural Kinetoscope Awards: What Should Have Won at the 2019 Oscars
It’s the day after the Oscars, so now that the real winners are confirmed, it’s time to take stock. Did the “right” people win? And did the telecast actually deliver a fun experience, despite the controversies that rocked the Academy over the past few weeks? We can think of no better antidote for bruised feelings than the first-ever Kinetoscope Awards, or as we’ve taken to calling them: the Scopies!
The Scopies are a run-down of the awards we’d prefer to be giving out to the filmmakers, cast members and telecast participants, instead of the never-quite-satisfying real results. Here we go!
Best Overall Snub
Sure, it’s nice that all those major categories got lots of love last night, but what about the movies and people that didn’t even get “the honour just to be nominated”?
Picture - If Beale Street Could Talk
Vice and Bohemian Rhapsody gobbled up spots that Beale Street could have taken. Barry Jenkins’ sensual, moving story about two young people clinging on to each other during a time of chaos got no love from the Academy.
Director - Barry Jenkins, If Beale Street Could Talk
Unfortunately, Jenkins set the bar high with Moonlight, but Beale Street was seriously overlooked for the amount of emotions Jenkins can convey with a single shot.
Leading Actor - Ethan Hawke, First Reformed
Hawke may not be everyone’s favourite, but he deserves it for Paul Schrader’s film. Hawke’s performance may go down as one of the best to be never recognized by the Academy.
Leading Actress - Kiki Layne, If Beale Street Could Talk
Ethan Hawke as Reverend Toller in First Reformed.
Yalitza Aparcio took Layne’s spot, who carried much of the film with her captivating performance. Beale Street doesn’t work without Layne or Stephan James, who played the male lead.
Supporting Actor - Steven Yeun, Burning
Burning doesn’t work without the creepily ambiguous performance by Yeun.
Supporting Actress - Elizabeth Debicki, Widows
We don’t have much to quibble about with the nominations and Widows has plenty of great female performances, but we’re highlighting Debicki.
Most WTF Nominee
For this category, we’re highlighting nominees that made no sense to us to all - a more uncharitable person might describe this as Most Undeserving, but we’re going with the “spoonful of sugar” approach.
Picture - Bohemian Rhapsody
Rhapsody is so formulaic, it truly does not stand up to any number of other 2018 films. We’re looking for excellence, not just mere competence.
Director - Adam McKay, Vice
Vice rides on the same satirical style that McKay introduced in The Big Short, but it doesn’t work this time. Admittedly, the source material may have been difficult to adapt, but it was executed more with a big pair of scissors than a scalpel.
Leading Actor - Cradley Booper, A Star Is Born
There’s plenty of pathos in Booper’s performance, but he’s done better work in other movies, and his spot should’ve gotten bumped for Hawke. Strip away the tragic story and Booper mumbles and bumbles through most of his performance.
Adam McKay on the set of Vice.
Leading Actress - Lady Gaga, A Star Is Born
We’re curious to see Gaga in future roles, though we don’t think she should parachute into Oscar glory for her first major performance. The performance was good, but not blow-me-away good. We think the initial buzz took Gaga to frankly overrated levels.
Supporting Actor - Sam Rockwell, Vice
We always love Rockwell, but there’s not enough of his George W. Bush in Vice, and we don’t get much more than an SNL-worthy impression.
Supporting Actress - Marina de Tavira, Roma
This is a small role, and we’re still a little confused Tavira was highlighted instead of someone like Emily Blunt in A Quiet Place.
Best Movie That No One Saw
For this award, we’re nominating great movies that just didn’t connect with audiences, and got less love from the Academy. Our metric is based on a U.S. domestic box office gross of under $50 million.
NOMINEES:
First Reformed
Annihilation
Burning
Shoplifters
Sorry to Bother You
Widows - WINNER
Honestly, Widows was awesome, and it’s hard to understand why it didn’t find its audience. It might be destined for a re-discovery in the years to come.
Best Actor You Wish Would Win, Just Not This Year
We all have actors we like who have yet to win an Oscar, and happen to get nominated for performances that don’t speak to us. This year, there’s three actors who fit that bill for us, but we’re giving the award to Viggo Mortensen, a guy who’s been doing great work for years, but got a nod for a performance that’s a little broad for many tastes.
NOMINEES:
Amy Adams (Vice)
Willem Dafoe (At Eternity’s Gate)
Glenn Close (The Wife)
Viggo Mortensen (Green Book) - WINNER
Best Award Presenter
Melissa McCarthy riffs on all the nominated costumes.
NOMINEES:
Tyler Perry digging the Academy for almost not presenting Best Cinematography live
Mike Myers and Dana Carvey doing a Wayne’s World reunion (even if it was to talk up Bohemian Rhapsody)
Awkwafina and John Mulaney for Best Short categories (Robert’s pick)
Melissa McCarthy and Brian Tyree Henry for Costume Design and Hairstyling - WINNER
Worst Award Presenter
NOMINEES:
Barbra Streisand (Robert’s pick)
Awkwafina and John Mulaney for Best Short categories (Jason’s pick)
Every time they played any guitar riffs from Queen - WINNER
Best Speech
NOMINEES:
Regina King for Best Supporting Actress
Team for Documentary Short - “I’m not crying because I’m on my period!!!...FIGHT FOR MENSTRUAL EQUALITY!!!”
Spike Lee for Best Adapted Screenplay - “Let’s do the right thing … you know I had to get that in there!!” - WINNER
Best Unscripted Telecast Moment
NOMINEES:
Chris Evans being a gentleman and helping Regina King to the stage.
“This name I can pronounce!” - Guillermo del Toro
“DO NOT TURN THE MOTHERFUCKING CLOCK ON!!!” - Spike Lee - WINNER
Best Commercial
Rolex (featuring Martin Scorsese, Kathryn Bigelow, Alejandro González Iñárritu, and James Cameron)
Worst Celeb Roast
Any joke directed at Spike Lee.
Best Film Montage for a Nomination
NOMINEES:
Best Cinematography category
In Memoriam segment
Intro by Diego Luna and José Andrés for Roma - WINNER
Best 'We Don't Want TV Viewers to See This' Broadcast Delay Editing Moment
Cutting the Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse speech short.
Most Cringeworthy Moment
NOMINEES:
Acceptance speech for best makeup from Vice threesome
The president of the Academy, John Bailey, introducing the In Memoriam segment
Opening Queen medley (as if they couldn’t be more commercial enough) - WINNER