The first act of the newest Pirates of the Caribbean movie features a sequence where a team of horses, hooked up to a one-ton vault, end up towing an entire building through the streets of an island township. In the midst of this chaos is Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), waving his arms like a mad octopus, in the throes of the shtick that Depp has offered on movie screens for 14 years. None of it is remotely plausible, and it goes on much longer than it has any right to.

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