The Oscars are once again in the rear-view mirror, so now that the real winners are confirmed, it’s time to take stock. Did the “right” people win? And did the telecast actually deliver a fun experience? We can think of no better antidote for bruised feelings than the second edition of the Kinetoscope Awards, or as we’ve taken to calling them: the Scopies!

The Scopies are a run-down of the awards we’d prefer to be given out to the filmmakers, cast members and telecast participants instead of the never-quite-satisfying real results. Here we go!

Best Overall Snub

Sure, it’s nice that all those major categories got lots of love Sunday night, but what about the movies and people that didn’t even get the honour of being nominated?

Picture - Uncut Gems

There’s few movies this past year that provoked such a visceral response (some compared it to a heart attack or a drug-fueled nightmare). Sure, it may be an experimental film, but what good is the medium if we don’t keep pushing the boundaries? By not recognizing those who dare to do something different, we never move the medium forward. It’s how we can avoid lame winners like Crash. 

Director - Greta Gerwig (Little Women), Josh and Benny Safdie (Uncut Gems)

We’d hate to say anyone is truly “unworthy,” but Todd Phillips was the weakest link and either Gerwig or the Safdie brothers deserved a spot. Martin Scorsese’s inclusion was also a little curious because The Irishman is most definitely not one of his best films, though we do concede that filming with three cameras at once sounds rather difficult (even legendary director Tommy Wiseau was only able to use two). We also continue to be baffled by the lack of diversity in this category. 

Leading Actor - Adam Sandler (Uncut Gems), Taron Egerton (Rocketman), Eddie Murphy (Dolemite is my Name)

There were loads of good performances this year and we’re hard-pressed to drop any of the existing nominations. But these three would have definitely made it in a weaker year. Or if the Academy wasn’t so, y’know, petty. 

Leading Actress - Awkwafina (The Farewell)

The Hollywood Reporter was right to include Awkwafina in their Actress Roundtable this year: she took a big risk on a drama project, and showed she’s more than a stand-up. She flexed her Asian-American background and knocked it out of the park, flipping the equation on its head playing the foreigner in her ancestral country. 

Supporting Actor - Robert Pattinson (The Lighthouse)

The Lighthouse is a very niche movie - black and white, old-school film stock, archaic New England dialects, Lovecraftian horror elements. But Pattinson applies such fury and commitment to the role that people who only know him from his early teen-friendly roles would have a hard time recognizing him. 

Supporting Actress - Ana de Armas (Knives Out)

Who knew the loyal maid would be the key player in a whodunit featuring a white rich family? Her ability to guide the audience through a multi-layered mystery captured audiences on an emotional level, and scene-for-scene was able to go toe-to-toe against some of the film’s bigger names. By the end of the year, de Armas will have another five films under her belt, and clearly it’s for good reason. 

Most WTF Nominee

For this category, we’re highlighting nominees that made no sense to us to all. Like, at all. 

Picture - Ford v Ferrari

Look, Ford v Ferrari is a fine movie. It’s got fun performances, great racing sequences and Josh Lucas is such a good asshole it hurts. But James Mangold’s paint-by-numbers feature is about as original as any underdog sports movie in. 

Director - Todd Phillips 

In a roundtable interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Todd Phillips compared his tussle with the media over Joker to the trials of Martin Scorsese during the release of The Last Temptation of Christ. Except Phillips was only the subject of some nasty press, whereas Scorsese’s movie actually led to a case of arson in a Paris theatre, injuring 13 people. All of that to say that Phillips holds himself in a higher regard than he deserves, and his movie - while not bad - owes a lot more to its sources of inspiration than it does to Phillips’ direction. 

Leading Actor - No recipient

This category was rock-solid this year, so we can’t call out anyone. 

Leading Actress - No recipient

It’s definitely a much stronger field than last year’s, but we regret to say we have not been able to catch any screenings of Harriet, and sincerely apologize to Ms. Erivo for slacking. 

Supporting Actor - Joe Pesci (The Irishman)

Pesci plays one role very, very well. We liked him in Martin Scorsese’s gang epic, but we also can’t help but think we’ve seen this very same performance by Pesci somewhere else. Old age has robbed Pesci of some of the jitterbug energy he was known for as a fast-talking gangster, and the positive reception seems to have more to do with nostalgia than anything else. It was pretty telling when Pesci decided to skip the Oscars. 

Supporting Actress - Scarlett Johansson (Jojo Rabbit), Margot Robbie (Bombshell)

We liked Johansson and Robbie’s performances, but we can’t get over how small (Johansson) or unnecessary (Robbie) their roles are in their respective films. The female scene stealer of Jojo Rabbit  is Thomasin MacKenzie, who plays the young Jewish girl hiding in the attic. In Bombshell, Robbie’s character is an amalgamation of numerous real-life victims, yet the character lacks any real depth… her defining characteristic seems to be that she’s a closeted lesbian? 

Best Movie That No One Saw

For this award, we’re nominating great domestic movies that didn’t connect with the wider audience and received even less love from the Academy. Our metric is based on a U.S. domestic box office gross $50 million and under, according to Box Office Mojo.

NOMINEES: 

 Booksmart - WINNER

Bad Education

Dark Waters

Doctor Sleep

The Farewell

A Hidden Life

Midsommar

The Peanut Butter Falcon

Richard Jewell

A lot of the conversation about Booksmart was, in fact, driven by its unexpectedly poor performance at the box office, despite the hugely entertaining results of Olivia Wilde’s feature debut. It even sparked a huge debate about how people don’t pay to see indie films no matter how good they are, and also challenged the long-standing belief that female directors can’t make comedies. If you’re in Canada, find this on Amazon Prime! 

Best Actor You Wish Would Win, Just Not This Year

We all have actors we like who have yet to win an Oscar, and happen to get nominated for performances that don’t speak to us. There are a ton of actors who weren’t nominated this year that deserve to win an Oscar at some point in their careers, but we’re only acknowledging the ones that shot their shot this year.  

NOMINEES:

Adam Driver (Marriage Story) - WINNER

Saoirse Ronan (Little Women)

Florence Pugh (Little Women)

Despite having such a lopsided face, he’s so expressive you want to reach out and see if his face is made of clay. Driver’s ability to convey so many mixed emotions with one shrug (hello, Knights of Ren) or one look -- without ever saying a single word -- shows his range and ability. Nobody really talks like him, either, giving him this Walken-esque likeability that has really become his trademark and helped him become a multi-genre star. We should also mention he is, by far, the best addition to the Star Wars universe this past decade. 

Best Award Presenter

NOMINEES:

Taika Waititi

Olivia Colman - WINNER

Colman came out to present Best Actor, and before listing this year’s nods, she described her win last year for The Favourite as being “the best night of my husband’s life”. Maybe a little TMI for some, but it was one of the bigger laughs of the night.

Worst Award Presenter

NOMINEES:

Will Ferrell (and Julia Louis-Dreyfus)

Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig

Ray Romano (not including the innocent Sandra Oh in this) - WINNER 

Everyone knows the Academy likes to keep it PG, so when Romano dropped his f-bomb Joe Pesci joke, it made us cringe. It’s like a dad trying way too hard to impress his kids’ teenage friends. It’s tiring, gimmicky and altogether unamusing. We channeled some Billie Eilish when Rudolph and Wiig did their ill-advised duet, which was way more stupid than fun, and Will Ferrell was last funny twenty years ago. 

Best Speech

NOMINEES:

Bong Joon-Ho: “I’m ready to drink tonight” - WINNER

Joaquin Phoenix

Hildur Guðnadóttir 

We’ll give Phoenix points for the best soapbox with his passionate speech for fighting injustice via veganism, and Guonadottir gets a huge applause from us for a watershed moment and a truly from-the-heart speech. But the big winner is Bong, who went from “planning on drinking” to “planning on drinking until the morning” after his fourth win. 

Best Unscripted Telecast Moment

NOMINEES:

Martin Scorsese’s face during the Eminem performance - WINNER

Bong Joon-ho gazing at one of his Oscars

Oscar Isaac becoming uncomfortable with Salma Hayek’s flirting

We like Eminem. He’s the rap voice of an entire generation. But “Lose Yourself” was a hit song in 2002, and a truly bewildering addition to the Oscars. Taylor Swift must’ve been out of town. 

Best Commercial

No recipient this year - the Rolex ad was a new version of a campaign from last year, and the Martin Scorsese/Jonah Hill for Coca-Cola Energy spot was also launched before the telecast.

Worst Celeb Roast/Shoutout 

Chris Rock/Steve Martin for their quasi-host-monologue

Ray Romano: “I’m Charlize Theron”

Janelle Monae’s opening dance number - WINNER

Does it really count as a roast when you pay homage to the films who didn’t get nominated with a bizarre musical number? As much as we love Janelle Monae, the opening act that pays tribute (?) to Dolemite is my Name and Midsommar feels awkward because we honestly believe these films should’ve been nominated for… something. 

Best Film Montage For A Nomination

NOMINEES:

Best Supporting Actress

Best Original Screenplay

Best Visual Effects - WINNER

Any montage that didn’t fill the entire screen during the telecast is automatically out. We didn’t want to see a screen on a screen. 

Best 'We Don't Want TV Viewers To See This' Broadcast Delay Editing Moment

There were no delays to really speak of, but what delayed this show to its incredulous three-and-half hour runtime were presenters presenting award presenters presenting the award. What a convoluted way to do things, and we wonder why the Oscars’ ratings keep falling. 

Most Cringeworthy Moment

NOMINEES:

Half the crowd rapping to “Lose Yourself”, the other half looking as if they’ve made a terrible life choice - WINNER

Ray Ramano’s bleeped out joke he knew would get bleeped out

Rebel Wilson and James Corden making fun of Cats because being reminded of it is disgusting enough